My name is Humpty

Well not really. My name is NOT Humpty...and I just barely do the humpty dance these days ;-)

But the inspiration is this:
"...So just let me introduce myself
My name is Humpty, pronounced with a Umpty.
Yo ladies, oh how I like to hump thee.
And all the rappers in the top ten--please allow me to bump thee"

So, with that inappropriate lyric that only "sort of" related to what I mean, I am re-introducing myself to this blog. And by day's end I will have taken "Blogging For Dummies" out from the library so I can actually do this correctly instead of popping on and writing some musings from time to time.

OK. So re-introductions.

I am a 32 year old, married, recently returned to brown haired roots, and I live on Long Island. I have 5 dysfunctional siblings and a Father who is a hybrid of Archie Bunker and an old school Italian Grandma with a mix of oxymoron tendencies thrown in. He is a retired cop who grew up in the Gotti neighborhood and lives and breathes the politically incorrect life...But the best man at his second wedding was black and my husband is half Colombian (to which he could care less about and never did)

Also, I have a husband who not only puts up with me (and me is enough) and my crazy family, but he also has an equally crazy Colombian family.

And I just googled whether you are Colombian or Columbian, because I have no idea.

Then there is B, my almost 5 year old. She is a mutt of Irish, Italian, Columbia, Austrian, and English descent. I must admit that I am pleased that she will be able to perhaps get some perks of being Hispanic when it comes to college scholarships.

Most people say she is my clone, and I secretly love that. I also cringe because being my clone means that I am watching my personality traits in action and yikes was I annoying, stubborn, bratty, and sometimes unbearable. I only hope that I can somehow get through to her that acting the way she does sometimes will not earn her friends.

As for me specifically:
--I am blunt and brash and say whatever is on my mind.
--I am the product of a crappy mother who I have no relationship and an absent father who earned his second strike with wifey #2 because she wound up being a skanky stepmother and added to my already mounting issues of childhood angst and mother figure issues.
--I am now close with aforementioned father who learned his lessons with my half sisters and now has no memories of the actions in his past with me.
--I am also my Dad's personality clone, which as a woman does not come off as endearing.
--I am aware of most, if not all of my flaws. It doesn't keep me from making mistakes because of them, but I have learned to perhaps tone it down a bit with age an experience.
--I am, most days, a Full Time Working Mom which is either maligned or applauded depending on who you ask and when.
--I love being a mom, but I am honest enough to say that it has not made me like kids.


The whole point of who I am is summed up in what someone once told me..."You say what everyone is probably thinking but no one has the balls to say"

You aren't going to like what I have to say all the time, but I am living my life one step at a time and I know that there are a LOT of women (and men) out there who are just like me...forever chasing their dream. The dream changes all of the time, and sometimes the dream feels so difficult overall.

So here I am...again. Let's do the Humpty Dance, do the dance, humpty hump...

To have or not to have...and when...and HOW?

A second child of course.

The decision is a lot freakin' harder that it looks. I mean, the first time when we decided that we "might" start trying for #1 (shortly after I caught major baby fever) it was deciding if we were ready for that very gray life-changing decision--honestly, you NEVER are. Before we could rationally think about it, the two lines showed up on the twelve pregnancy tests I took and B entered the world. Talk about no turning back.

Thank God we like her.

And it is HARD as hell to have a child and be a parent. I love every second, but it took a solid two years to feel normal again...

and to sleep normal again (even though I don't and have taken drugs pretty much every night since her birth--not because of her, but because my anxiety that used to manifest itself in my 10-14 hour sleep cycles have now invaded my 7 hour sleep cycle and that just won't do, at least not with Mr. Ambien around)

Now, as B is all of her little daycare/preschool friends are started to receive siblings at an alarming rate (4 moms pregnant, one newborn...and they are my FT working mom brethren!) Not to mention that ALL of the hubby's friends are procreating like rabbits
B asked for a brother the other night named Charlie!

And when we zinged back with a "What if you have a little sister?" as a deflection, she responded with an equally fast "She can be Charlie too!" Thank God for ADD as she was easily distracted by the colorful and life-saving game, Candyland!

But my schizophrenia was in full affect long after our nightly group hug goodnight. I want another child, the DH wants another child. But when? And how the hell would I juggle all of it in the industry I am in, with the hours I work, and having the commute I have?

Plus, we are such a comfortable trio now. On Saturday, as I laid in bed, B watched her DVD "Ariel's Beginning", and DH was on the couch. Three different rooms for the length of the movie...and then we all came together to eat, play, and share some very cute moments (I won Candyland and then proceeded to lose again horribly) It was incredible. Would a fourth, unpredictable entity completely throw off everything and drive me criminally insane (it has to be criminal because I believe that I am already certifiable at this very moment)

Plus, now we KNOW what having a child truly means. I have turned into THAT person that warns first time mothers-to-be. "Get your sleep now" is a favorite that I hated hearing and now say the most...such a hypocrite am I. But the knowledge makes it much harder to jump in and say "Let's make a baby" and give up all the freedoms we just started getting back.

Seriously...I am in no rush to be pregnant again, to sleep 30 minutes a night, and adjust to the guessing game of "What kind of crying that?"

B now flat out says, "I am hungry" "I am thirsty" "I am tired" "I have to do pee-pee"

Much easier!

I am having the second baby debate...sometimes it's with the DH, but a lot of times it's an inner turmoil I have. But, it's happening...